Mesmerize Cigarette Pants

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There was a dip close to my body in the mattress as if someone were lying beside me, causing my body to tense.

"You look like you could use a massage." A deep voice mused, resulting in my jumping at least ten feet in the air before I turned to face a man who's features I'd never actually been able to look upon before. My breath caught.

The man beside me couldn't have been any older then twenty, or any younger then eighteen with electric blue eyes that shone devilishly in the light of the moon; made to look even scarier by the unnaturally long, dark, thick eyelashes that surrounded them. He had a long, straight nose and a chiseled face. His hair was thick, and so black I could barely see it in the dark, although there were streaks of--white? Blonde?--in the front, covering one of those mesmerizing eyes.

"You look like you've been to hell and back. Did I scare you?" The words fell from his lush lips, followed by a dark chuckle. Although fear was building in my chest, I narrowed my eyes and scoffed.

"Touch me, and you'll be bringing yourself to Hell. What are you doing in my bed?"

I purposely forgot to mention that I didn't want him to leave; as much as I hated to admit it, Pluto was hot. Wow. Did I really just call death himself hot? It was a sure sign that I was losing my mind.

"Waiting for you, clearly." He snorted, moving to drape himself across the bed which resulted in his feet in my face. I scowled, and slapped a foot away with my hand.

"Clearly. Get out."

I'm not sure how convincing I sounded, because I was pretty damn close to drooling over the muscles on his exposed chest--although they were more then nintey percent covered in tribal tattoos.

He let his toe mess with the bare spot on my waist where my shirt had risen up for a moment before moving back in to a sitting position so quickly I didn't notice. I blew my black hair from my face and managed to move myself away a bit.

"I'm so ******* hungry." He mused.

"We have food. Help yourself, then get the hell out of my house."

Pluto lifted his head from his hands, blue eyes seeming to spark before he snatched me up by the waist and pulled me to him. "Don't say what you don't mean, sugar." He hissed, breath blowing hot on my shoulder blade before he bit down. It wasn't hard enough to break the skin.

I struggled nonetheless, the fear in my chest threatening to overtake me as I began to scream. As suspected, he ignored me, his arm simply digging further in to my stomach with my struggles. It was begining to cut off much needed air to my lungs, so with one last gasp I managed out a sharp, "Pluto, let me go. Now!"

To my surprise, he did. His dangerous expression melted away to one of utter horror as he began to shake his head. "I-I'm sorry." He managed, taking out a cigarette from the pocket of his baggy black sweat pants and lighting it. For once, I didn't object.

"What's wrong with you?" I wondered, cautiously moving to place a small hand on his leg. I'd expected him to cringe away, but he just let his eyes rest on my hand as he blew out a cloud of smoke. In to my face. The bastard.

"Nothing. I'm just hungry, is all." He promised quickly, and I could hear the lie in his voice. "You haven't commented on my appearance. You've never seen my face before, let alone the rest of me. So?"

"So what?" I snatched my hand off of him, and crossed my arms over my chest. "You're nothing special."

It was a lie. His teeth played with the lip ring piercing the right side of his bottom lip for a moment before he smirked and blew another cloud of smoke in my face. He inched closer to me, tapping the piercing on the bridge of his nose.

"Nonsense. I'm just you're type. Why else would I have hidden from you for so long? Clearly," His eyes returned once more to the hand that was previously lying on his leg before he added, "The sexual tension between us was bad enough already."

"Right..." I drawled. "Because I'm attracted to the very man stalking me, torturing me, trying to kill me and send me to hell. You have a warped idea of what attraction is, honey."
Best Answer - Chosen by Voters
I liked it. There was only a few things I saw that needed to be fixed a little bit, but other than that it was fine.



There was a dip close to my body in the mattress as if someone were lying beside me

- This sentence is a little awkward... It comes off as clunky, similar to another sentence close by it... The main thing I saw with this excerpt is pace; don't be afraid to slow yourself down and gradually feed your reader. Maybe change this to, "My body sunk further into the mattress as weight was added to the space besides me" (Not the best, but it's more compact, y'know? haha)



A deep voice mused, resulting in my jumping at least ten feet in the air before I turned to face a man who's features I'd never actually been able to look upon before.

- Again, don't be afraid to slow down. This sentence is pretty lengthy, so try splitting it in half, starting with the "before".



His hair was thick, and so black I could barely see it in the dark, although there were streaks of--white? Blonde?--in the front, covering one of those mesmerizing eyes.

- Your description of this guy was good, but this part I thought could use something else. It's fine as it is, but with extended hyphens, you want to be able to take out the information inside them and still have a complete thought. For example, I'll use your sentence right here and cut out the hyphens to make "...although there were streaks of in the front, covering one of those mesmerizing eyes." See? It doesn't make sense now. Try adding a little bit more, maybe something like "there were streaks of light color--white? Blonde?--in the front..." :]



All in all, it was a really interesting excerpt. I enjoyed it (something I honestly don't say a lot with excerpts on Y!A). The only thing I wasn't too sure about was the whole "bad boy" thing with Death (and the fact that someone supposedly so evil falls in love with his target)... It just seems cliche, especially since that specific character personality been so overused lately. BUT cliches can be made into something better, depending on the quality of writing.. And you're actually pretty good at it :]



Hope I helped! Best of luck! <3



And merry Christmas!



here. Tell him. - l'm not drinking. Who mixed liquor in water? You guys piss in your pants on hearing his name. Why talk nonsense? Come fast ...